So, here i am sitting inside my room alone. Feeling lonely.
Days goes by with a glimpse. Few more days to 2014, i'm just afraid to move forward. It like im afraid to live. and of course i miss my mum. But i can change anything to have her back.
I feel so useless. No one is there, no one to care.
But i still pray and hope things will be better. Dad, he's too ego to see im trying, im struggling.
I don't enjoy life. I push people who love me away. I don't want them to get hurt. i had to.
My love went away like everyone else, leaving me helpless, hopeless.
He wanted to change for the better, to be better muslim. I wanted him to change so badly, until i can't bare the pain im feeling. I had no one to share my stories with. I'm alone.
The man of my dreams left me crying hopelessly. I can't bare this pain alone.
I need him, i need his love. I'm afraid. I can't face this alone.
Ya Allah, all i have is only You right now. I wish things could change.
My heart can't bare this pain. Even dad left me to cry. He keep giving me the long face as if im worthless.
Who am i? why am i like this.
I'm jobless. I sit at home doing nothing. Feeling more depressed than ever.
I couldn't hold back my tears. I love him to much.
Have patience he said. He promise that he's gonna change. Change?
He got everything else. He don't need me. I have always envy his life.
Everyone loves him. Who am i to him? i love him. and its not even possible to make this feelings go away
right now.
Why do i love him? I'm heart is too weak. Family? where is all that?
i feel so alone.  Why? what's wrong with me?
I have nothing now, everyone just left. Why?
Ya Allah please guide me through this. I'm not strong enough.

Well, frankly he was just the same person who i used to know.
I know i wanted to be alone. But all i need is to be there and hold me tight and say that everything is gonna be ok. What i see he was romantic in his past relationship but not to our relationship.
I don't know what bored him.
I don't think i'm good enough for him. All i ever want is him to come over and surprise me, hug me and say he will always love me and no other woman will ever be like i am to him.
He always take things for granted you see, he thought that i love him too much to let go...
I don't think he know me. I'm tired of getting hurt by him over and over again.
I don't it's fine to do that.I need he to respect my feelings. I totally hate to be ignored.
I just wish someday he will change his ways for the sake of our future.
YA Allah Please help me out. Give me the strength to go through this again.
I'm not giving up, i'm just so tired of crying all night and he didn't seems to bother that much to know how i would feel. If i keep feeling miserable like this i think it's best to leave.
But i'm still here hoping him could change. Bismillah.

I'm not disappointed just sad. I totally don't know what is going through his heart nor mind.

I'm just curious and it seems like i don't understand at all.
You promised me you will make things better between us.
Each and everytime when you are with me it seems that you got something better to do.
I've been to patient with you.
You rather spend your time with your phone when i'm by your side.
There's always a last min plan with your friends when we are all alone together.
And you're always fast alseep when we had the time to be together.
Why can't we have a normal conversation like how other couples has?
When its come to your friends that always alot to talk about.
I feel so lonely most of the time.
I know i dont have much friends like you do?
But why can't you make me your priority?
I'm all alone with no one to talk to.
I decrease the amount of friends i hang out with cause i always make u my priority
But what happen here?
Maybe to you that i'm ur priority but it doesnt seems that way
I wish for someone could be there for me no matter how busy or how tired they are.
I wish someone could care for me.

Here i am blogging again.

It's been so long now, it's been a few years now.

Let me go back to where i used to stop.

2011 april mum is no longer with us now, she left us due to breast cancer
obviously everyone know how regretful feeling for not taking good care of her.
I know no one will read this but i just want to keep this to myself.
I miss mummy, i miss her nagging, her cooking and her love.
She never gave up on me. I was being stubborn for not listening to her at all.
I know all the  wrong doings that i have done. I admit my mistakes.
I love her too much to let her go.
But lifes have to go on. Allah love her.Honestly it has been a struggle for me
after she left. I've change to became the most worst daughter ever.
As you know i was still with the boyfriend, Nur Fadhli.
But you know everyone was blaming me for not taking care of mummy that well before she left.


As months goes by, I had the worst argument with Fadhli until he left me.
Its not easy to see him leave me like that. But Allah has showed me that he had someone else.
Of course i was totally dissapointed by all that.
But i had to let the memory go. After mum left he left.
I wanted him to give me all the attention that i really need.
I lost someone who i love dearly,mum.
Fadhli left me just like that even without knowing how i felt.
But as days goes by it was a relief, Cause i finally found someone who love me dearly.


Shahrin, He's a 36 years old guy working as a teacher in some primary school around admiralty.
A guy of my dreams. Well, at first he never gave up inviting me out for rock concert, for movies and also for dinner.
HE's the most gentlemen guy i ever met. He everything i ever wanted in a guy.
But sadly i was still in love with the ex bf(fadhli)
He still never giving up in me. Always being there for me and sacrifices he's time just for me.
Always making me happy. He wanted to settle down with me. Getting married?
Yeah. It's seems hard at first.
But who doesnt wants a guy who is mentally, physically and financially stable.
I thought it was about time for me. Slowly i accepted his presents..
Even my family loves him too much. But everything ended.


october2012
I really thought shahrin was the one for me. But he gave up after i had a conversation with FAdhli
I know i was wrong but he doesnt have to gave up just like that.
Maybe its true that im still in love with fadhli but i dont trust him at all.
How could i be with someone who has someone else as his partner.
It would be fair for any of us.
but the fact that i had no choice but to gave fadhli another chance since he promise to take good care of me.
I did gave him the chance,
And slowly let him change to what he said he wanted to be.
To be a responsible future for myself.

But still i had no trust left for him.
Sad but true. As days weeks go by.
We keep having arguments i myself couldnt control
I keep questioning his love.
What i have seen is just the old him. And never will he change.
I started to regret for leaving shahrin for him.
Who wouldnt?
But lifes have to go on.
Bit by bit i see changes in Fadhli.
I can just hope one day Allah will open up his heart competely.
And i hope one day he will consider how i would feel everytime he hurt me
This is only lesson learn.
I just wish i could turn back time right now.
I can only pray for the best of us both. Insyallah

Neglected.

Everyone is drifting apart. Left me alone with no one to hold.
Yeah it sucks. They don't even bother about how i feel.
They only can see at my worst stage but they can see the things i did great.
I'm gonna take a step back as no one needs me here.
Not even a single soul care to ask whats wrong with me.
They won't even know how depressed i can be.
Felt so neglected by my family. They only seems to care about siblings
who have family and kids. I had my problems too. Why don't you guys bother to
notice it.
I'm so disappointed.
If this is what they called family love i guess i moving on from this.
I rather be alone than see all the dramas in front of my eyes.
Hatred.
One thing for sure.
You must know everyone have their own problems to solve.
And doesn't mean you're older than me you are always right.

Thanks for all the shits you given me.

AND He's the only one in my heart now.
No exception.